I hate the ocean.
Dear Diary,
I REALLY FUCKING HATE THE FUCKING OCEAN!
Alright, I need calm down. See, this journey was FINE the first week. Sure, I had to get my sea legs, there was a little bit of nausea, not being able to move around too much introduced me to cabin fever for the first time. These things happen on the ocean, I’ve read my share of pirate stories before. I was ready for it. Or, well, I thought I was.
Midway though the second week out, near the halfway point of the trip, THEY attacked. It was a pleasant morning. The sea was calm, the sun was beaming down and I was taking it easy trolling for lunch. Then Mateo started getting tense. I ignored him at first, not noticing the fog starting to roll in. Before I knew it, I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face, the mist was so thick. It was like a wave had made a cocoon around of ship. As I felt around to find my way across the deck, the soft sound of the ship creaking started getting drowned out by the slithering of countless tentacles.
A swarm of juvenile Krakopi boarded the ship and started causing trouble!
Krakopi are dangerous sea monsters that not even the Goddess Shaiya cares for. They can grow to enormous sizes and multiply their tentacles many times over to catch their pray. They move in pods to hunt and sometimes sink large vessels if they’re really desperate for food. BUT that wasn’t what happened to us. No, it was worse. See, another habit that has been documented about Krakopi, juveniles specifically, is a form of “play” they get up to. “Play” where a swarm of young males find either a group of other creatures or smaller vessels and toy with whatever they can get their grubby arms around! They’ll poke, prode, grab, grope, molest, grip, and shove their noodles in whatever hole they can find.
In other words, Mateo and I became sex dolls for a bunch of Monster frat boys. AND IT FUCKING SUCKED! You know, you’d think a girl like me would be all for getting infinite dicks pounding me silly. But NO. Those fucks don’t know what their doing, they were only smart enough to know how piss me off. And it went on for hours! It took me SO long to get myself free off their slimy sophomoric grasp and once I did…
I SLAUGHTERED THE LOT OF THEM!!
Of course it took a while. That whole “multiplying their tentacles” thing made getting rid of one of them a headache on it’s own. Didn’t help that when I got rid of one group, another two would show up to throw down. Turns out our melee attracted MORE of the punks to show up and have a go. Speaking of “not helpful,” Mateo couldn’t do a thing! The guy was completely incapacitated by getting a few tentacles shoved up his ass. GOD DAMN IT, I had to do fight ‘em all on my own!! It took DAYS! DAYS, I TELL YOU!! They just kept coming! At some point, I got killing those bastards down to a science! I’m pretty sure I’m going to be responsible for the thinning out the next generation of the local Krakopi population with how many males I killed!! This trip was not supposed to involve me committing cephalopod genocide but HERE WE ARE.
In the end, We got through the mist. Mateo was awakened to a new fetish, the ship’s cargo hold now has enough Krakopi corpses to make up for the supplies we lost a hundred times over, and my sexy pirate cosplay was destroyed beyond repair. Oh, and this experience has completely ruined tentacle sex for me. That, I think, is the worst crime that occurred. Don’t you dare judge me, diary, I am NOT in the mood.
Still, we’re back on track. We might have taken a bit of a detour but we a should be seeing land sooner than later. If anymore sea beasts try anything, I’m going to cause an extinction event the world hasn’t seen since the old Gods were defeated in the ancient war!
I’m going to go pass out now. Later, diary.
- Windy